You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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