Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
