quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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