My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
