I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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