Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
