he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
