life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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