Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
