A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
