someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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