last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
