Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
