you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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