I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
