I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
