In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
