so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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