apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you traded sex for a burrito?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
