I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
