When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
