I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
