why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
When did angry sex become our thing?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
