It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
