I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
