update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
