Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just found a bag of teeth...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
