At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
