I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
