Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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