i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
