watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
