Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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