I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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