awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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