No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
