Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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