Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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