i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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