I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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