I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
