You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
