I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
