i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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