where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
