I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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