i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You can't motorboat a personality
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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