mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
