A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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