He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
