we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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