Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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