A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
