Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
