O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
