thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
