she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
