So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
